Let’s be honest for a second.

If you meet a parent who says they’ve never yelled at their kids… I don’t believe them.

I yell sometimes too. Not often — but often enough that afterward it doesn’t feel good. And when I really looked at why it was happening, it wasn’t because I didn’t love my kids or didn’t know better. It was because I was overwhelmed, stretched thin, and trying to take care of everyone else while putting myself last.

That’s the moment so many of us find ourselves in: wanting a calmer home, but feeling stuck in reaction mode.

Over break, I read a parenting book that helped me see this differently. One idea completely reframed how I think about parenting, habits, and home systems: we’re not responsible for our children’s behavior — we’re responsible to our children to model behavior.

That shift changed everything for me.

The real problem isn’t yelling — it’s overwhelm

When I slowed down and paid attention to my reactions, I realized something important. When I was yelling about messes or repeating myself for the fifth time, I wasn’t teaching responsibility — I was teaching frustration.

Most of the time, my reaction wasn’t about what my kids actually needed. It was about my own anxiety, mental load, or discomfort in the moment.

I want to raise kind, confident humans. Kids who speak their minds. Kids who feel safe coming to me with anything. And that means I need systems, not constant reminders or raised voices.

This perspective was deeply influenced by ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel, which emphasizes staying regulated ourselves so we can lead calmly — even when our kids are not.

You can’t show up calm if you’re running on empty

Here’s the part I had to accept: I can’t expect myself to respond calmly if I’m not taking care of my own needs first.

Putting yourself first isn’t selfish — it’s self-care. And when I take care of myself, I show up better for my kids, my partner, and everyone else who needs me.

For me, that looks like:

• Being more consistent with skincare and hair care

• Moving my body regularly

• Tracking my nutrition instead of ignoring it

• Creating small pockets of quiet just for me

None of this has to be perfect. But when I ignore my own needs completely, my patience is the first thing to go.

Self-care isn’t separate from parenting — it supports it.

Why systems work when willpower doesn’t

Once I started regulating myself first, I could finally see where systems fit in.

Instead of reacting in the moment, I began building simple, repeatable home systems — predictable routines, clear boundaries, and physical setups that reduce daily friction. When the system holds the boundary, I don’t have to.

That’s when I can stay calmer and more consistent. And my kids get the space to learn responsibility on their own.

This is the same habit framework I shared in my earlier post about small habits that actually stick at home. Calm doesn’t come from trying harder. It comes from removing friction before emotions take over.

The simple system that reduced yelling in our home

The system that helped this click for us was something I saw online called the “F-it basket.” We renamed ours… but the idea stuck.

Here’s how it works in our house:

• A basket lives in a shared space

• Anything left out goes in the basket

• Sunday comes with a warning

• If it’s not emptied, items get donated (I haven't had to donate anything yet)

My kids call it the basket of doom, which honestly makes me laugh.

Is it harsh? Maybe.
Is it effective for tired moms who are done repeating themselves? Absolutely.

Important note: this system only applies to common areas. Their rooms are off-limits. They’re kids. They’re learning. And so am I.

What a calm home actually looks like

The biggest lesson I’ve learned from organizing, habits, parenting, and self-care is this:

When systems are clear and your needs are supported, emotions don’t have to run the show.

A calm home isn’t silent or perfect. It’s supported.

There’s less yelling.
More consistency.
More space for connection.

And that’s the kind of home I’m building — one small habit at a time.

If you want to build simple habits that create calm at home, my earlier post breaks down small habits that actually stick at home — and how to start without overwhelm.